By Louis Hampson
Five and a half years in as a father – three children and a painful vasectomy later – I’ve found myself reflecting (with lashings of guilt) on the banalities and realities of parenting.
How is it possible to be immensely proud and completely mind-numbed at the same time? I don’t know how my wife copes with complete immersion in the endless domestic routines and drudgery necessary to keep the wheels on the bus going round and round. I like the fun stuff – all the play and buffoonery that you can get away with when the kids are young (but not, so I’m told, when they are older. Then you’re just a dick). I’d always hoped no-on would notice the fact that throughout my life I’ve been an immature, selfish, socially inadequate individual. Men don’t discuss this sort of stuff with each other, but I can spot this trait in other dads – and there are quite a few of us out there. It might be a form of denial, but we keep secret many of the truths about being a dad. We’re terrified that we might be outed as the adult-sized children that we are in reality – in my case, a cynical seven year old trapped in a thirty-seven year old body.
So here are a few of my musings which I wouldn’t actually say – particularly in earshot of other parents (and by parents I mean mums).
I can’t stand sharing. I’ve always detested it. So while I’m morally bound to teach and enforce the virtues of sharing to my children, if another kid at one of those hideous soft play areas makes a grab for one of my children’s own toys, I have to contain my rising panic. With razor sharp thinking, masked by an affable dad mask, I have to decide which of three things the miniature thief is going to do and how I’m going to deal with it. Crucially, I don’t want to end up looking utterly pathetic in front of other, far more manly fathers. Will the thief break the toy, lose the toy or refuse to give it back? Do I have to nicely explain to my son to ‘share’, when he has actually been the victim of a crime? Trust me, negotiations at work are never this tricky.
I love my kids. I dislike other people’s kids
There. I said it. But you’ve thought it too, I know for a fact. Some of my kids’ small friends are really very likeable, and it’s heartwarming to watch them playing together. But others are horrible individuals to whom I find myself taking an irrational and instant dislike. Who hasn’t clock-watched on a play day, willing the little git’s parent to swing by and take it home?
Why should we have to like biters, bashers, whingers or stomach-churning green bogey snotters? I’m sorry sunshine, you may be just three years old, but I’m not feeling the love, here.
I really like the songs from Frozen
Go on, admit it. They’re bloody brilliant. At first, I found the Let it Go ear worm absolutely infuriating, especially at night. But now I have a skip in my step as I waltz around the DIY store on a Saturday, humming out the tune Do you want to build a snowman? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a Frozen sing-along in the car with my daughter either. And there’s no-one to hear if I chose to sing-along when driving.
Making friends with other dads is awkward
Women are different. They thrive on chatting to other mums when their children strike up friendships and start playing with other kids. But I find myself wincing when my own children (rather selfishly) discover new playmates and I’m forced into embarrassed conversations with other dads. I don’t know if it’s being British, just immature or whether there’s testosterone involved, but it’s uncomfortable. I prefer to make my own friends, not be force-bonded into small talk with someone who’s equally awkward standing next to me.
Often as not, my child’s pitiful attention span usually saves the day. They’ll wander off, allowing me to make my apologies and mercifully put the small talk out of its misery. But sometimes, I’ve had the misfortune to be dragged into the kids’ game, where a pair of socially-misfitted grown men end up playing an make-believe with each other. Several times now, I’ve found myself cringing with self-laothing hours after a trip to the play park on a sunny Saturday morning.
Like my kids, I can be selectively deaf
It might sound heartless, and I don’t do it all the time, but… Yes, I did hear my son having a nightmare at 03:00 hours this morning. And yes, I did pretend to be fast asleep. Sorry, but the truth is, I just couldn’t be bothered to get up, when I knew my wife would. Why put two adults through this? Actually, I’m not really that sorry.
I still find bigger kids intimidating
Whatever our age, as adults we’re still carry some of the anxieties and fears from our own childhoods. So when you’ve taken your little one to a playground, and a mob of bigger, older, and more boisterous kids start marching your way, something inside you comes to the fore and you relive this scary moment, as if you were once again little yourself.
Right now it’s not a fear of being roughed up, but that you, the dad, might have to dad-up and tell off other people’s kids. Even worse, they’ll probably see you as the sham of an adult that you are and laugh in your face. That’s frightening stuff – again worse than anything that goes on in the office.
I’ve become emotionally involved in kids’ TV
Why does kids’ TV love to portray men as idle, feckless idiots? Incompetence in the workplace is personified by Postman Pat, who, on a daily basis, manages to lose the post. Once, when he was looking the other way, a horse stole a parcel from the back of his van.
Daddy Pig is an complete buffoon who purports to be an expert at everything, yet whatever DIY job he’s tasked with, he manages to cock up every time. Even for grownups, Homer Simpson has a litany of failings, and is generally depicted as a dad with the brainpower of a gnat. He also stuffs his face with doughnuts, drinks too many beers and is generally a bad influence on his kids. Why does it have to be like this?
But when you see yourself so tragically reflected in the characters on screen, it’s hard not to get emotionally involved.
Swearing at your child is cathartic
And justified, particularly when they’re being unbearable Obviously you wouldn’t do this to their face, but behind them using your fingers. I’d go as far to say that you’re not a proper dad until you’ve flicked a V at your kid’s back and mouthed at them to ‘eff off’. It’s particularly galling when other parents coo over and complement your delightfully mannered children. Little do they know.
Lego isn’t the same as when you were a kid
Lego today is big business and the projects are massive. It’s no longer tinkering about with bits of Lego from a toy box. Today, family Lego is on a epic scale. Here’s how it goes. Son: ‘Dad, Dad, please can I get the Batmobile from the Lego Batman movie? Please?’ Dad: ‘You’re only 5 years old and you haven’t seen the film. Are you sure you want this?’ Son: ‘Yes, Dad.’ Three days and £54.99 later, you’ve got back ache from leaning over the instructions to single-handedly build the sodding Batmobile from the 581-pieces in the set (two pieces of which have inexplicably disappeared).
You’re shocked and disappointed that you don’t possess the necessary Lego skills or patience to see the project through. You get bored, frustrated and sweary. Your child has lost interest and the project is abandoned. There’s no-one to take the blame, so you sit down with a cuppa and have a long, hard think about yourself. And for those smug gits who actually manage to finish the Batmobile, I bet it stays in a box or on a shelf gathering dust and no-one ever plays with it. I’m right, aren’t I?
Dads never lose their competitive edge
Whilst standing at just two feet in height, and gazing up at you with the kind of dewy-eyed love that could break even the the stoniest of hearts, there is more satisfaction to be gained from nutmegging a toddler in the back garden, than a 75 kg IT consultant on the five-a-side pitch. You may try to resist it in order to spare their little feelings, but the urge is always there. You just have to give it your all and annihilate your children in every form of competition – whether it’s a race to the end or the park, a pretend light sabre duel, or a particularly heated round of Hungry Hippos. Sadly, Dad still likes to win – it makes him feel… masterful? Or young?
My career keeps me sane
In my office, even with mobile technology at their disposal, most guys don’t take their full allocation of paternity leave, and creep back in to finish vitally important projects at their desk. It might sound like a shallow, joyless thing to say, but I confess to finding some sanctuary in the office, irrespective of the pressures, politics and challenges. I love my family so much, but I like to come home to them at the end of the day, before bedtime, when the house is tidy, baths are running and I can enjoy all the good bits. Am I selfish? Yes, I am, but I do love my family.
So, if any dads out there get stuck with ideas for things to see and do with their kids, sign up to GoMunkee for inspiration and fresh ideas. Escape the humdrum and join in the fun.