Warning: extreme sarcasm alert
As the primary carer, you must ensure that the well-being of your child’s academic, emotional, cultural, creative, psychological, mental, spiritual, physical, nutritional and social requirements are prioritised and supported with non-toxic, freedom of expression and access to Wi-Fi at all times.
In raising your child, please consider his/her rights: Through mindfulness and assimilated behavioural narrative, it is your responsibility not to overstimulate, underestimate, improperly medicate, helicopter or neglect any of her/his needs.
You must therefore obtain consent before curating a living arrangement which is screen-controlled, body positive, safe, fair, socially-conscious, secular, enriched, hydrated, family-friendly, egalitarian but also authoritative, nurturing but fostering of independence, gentle but not overly permissive, inoffensive, hypoallergenic, organic, optimised, appropriate, assisted, inclusive, natural, sugar-reduced, hand-sanitised, hand-washed for 20 seconds, locked down, free-range, ecologically sound, gender-neutral, anger-managed, noise-dampened, playful, climate-controlled, biodiverse, multicultural, plastic-free, paraben-free, pesticide-free, nut-free, fat-free, additive-free, anxiety-managed, privacy-respected, tolerant, zero-tolerant, accessible, recyclable, DBS-checked (with air bags), non-flammable, 50 SPF, GDPR-compliant, non-EU-guided, vegan-optioned, high vis vest-wearing, sustainable, anti-bacterial, protective-helmeted, risk-assessed, ethically-sourced, safety-catched, supportive, native, conveniently located close to public transport and coloured using natural vegetable extracts. And remember to keep a distance of 2m when engaging with your child
Or you could just login to GoMunkee, discover some awesome things to do and go out with your children anyway. GoMunkee understands the difficulties relating to parenting, and we’re here to help make organising the kids a little bit easier. We haven’t even started on bad parenting, parental FOMO… or teenage boys.
Header image Danielle Guenther Photography.